I Believe
by MerriDowell
Summary: From the point of view of my original character Deanna after Sam jumps into the pit at the end of Swan Song.
1. I Believe: 1997

_AP English_

_Deanna Winchester_

_October 4, 1997_

_Professor Tim Sowles, Room 217_

_Period: 1_

_Word Count: 922_

_I Believe_

_What do you believe?_

_That's a really simple question. Easy, even. I want you to know, that when you assigned this paper, I was really excited. I mean, really. How hard could this be. All my friends know exactly what they're going to write. Dominique is going to tell you she believes in God. Amanda is going to tell you she believes in her mom. Olivia, I guarantee you, is going to tell you she believes in a world where everyone is vegan and all animals live free, in the wild, with no hardships. Steven is going to tell you how he believes in rock music, and Tanner and Derek are going to write a very detailed essay on how much they love football, and how its the only thing they can believe in during the uncertain times of senior year. _

_My condolences on that last one. We all know how much you **love** sports._

_I sat down to write this, and realized I had nothing to write. The essay prompt that seemed so easy, suddenly wasn't. That stupid blinking black cursor stayed at the beginning of the page, mocking me on the crisp white page. _

_I hate word processors. Just for the record. _

_But I eventually figured it out. And since you said this was supposed to be personal, and only you would see it, I decided to do this my way. _

_So, if you haven't decided to flunk me yet, seeing as how I'm **not** writing this in MLA format, and I'm **not** writing analytically, and I'm **not **writing this using my detached, essay voice, I'll tell you what I do believe in. _

_But first I have to tell you what I don't believe in. _

_Ready? _

_Here goes:_

_1. I don't believe in Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, Father Time, Jack Frost, Big Foot, Cupid, Fairies, The Loch Ness Monster, Leprechauns, Vampires, Unicorns...or Angels. _

_2. I don't believe in God. Yeah, I know. Probably should have started with that one first. I don't believe in the devil either. And I don't believe in fate, destiny, or miracles.  
_

_3. I don't believe anything I can't see, touch, and feel for myself. _

_4. I don't believe Derek, Tanner, Austin, and Steven really hated the Shakespeare unit. I know for a fact that Steven enjoyed calling me a bitch in Shakespeare-speak and being able to get away with it, just as I enjoyed calling him an ass. And did you see Tanner and Austin arguing over who got to read for Hamlet? Yeah. Who're they trying to fool anyway? _

_5. I don't believe that the symbolism unit is necessary to my high school education. Sometimes a river is just a river. _

_Sorry. Had to add that last two in there, seeing as they're on-going arguments in class right now. And yeah, you can stop rolling your eyes at me. I'm not going to stop complaining about that stupid unit. It was dumb. And useless. _

_That being said, here's what I do believe in: _

_1. I believe in ghosts, demons, psychics, wendigos, werewolves, shape shifters, empaths, curses, witches, zombies, changelings, spells, hexes and anything else you can think of. Yes, I'm serious. No, I'm not crazy. _

_2. I believe that there are still mysteries in the world. And wonders. And surprises. And things that we don't even know about. Except for number 1 in the things I don't believe in. _

_3. I believe that fun is a renewable resource. And that you can't have too much of it. _

_4. I believe in family, and that one day I'm actually going to be able to meet mine. _

_5. I believe that love really can conquer all. Who knows? Maybe it could even save the world one day. _

_6. I believe that people are crazy. No really. I get why a werewolf would kill a small town. But a person? What would drive a person to do that? Yeah, I don't know either. _

_7. I believe in myself. I believe that when high school is over, I'm going to make a difference in the world. Even if no one knows it was me, or even what I did. _

_8. I believe that the last three years in your class have been my favorite class ever! And yeah, that is totally a bribe to not fail me. _

_So there you go. Even if it wasn't what you wanted, I hope it was entertaining. And I really hope you don't send me to the loony bin. Consider it fantasy if you must. _

_See you in class tomorrow, Mr. Sowles. _

_-Deanna_


	2. I Believe: Reprise

Deanna Winchester stood at the steps of her old high school and walked around the office and down two hallways, dodging kids as she went. She went immediately back to Room 217 and stood there with a small, wistful smile on her face at the faded name above the door.

_Time Sowles: AP English_

She pushed open the door, and walked in, to see an older, wrinkled man sitting at the desk in the front of the room. He looked up immediately and smiled at her.

"Can I help you, Miss?"

Deanna gave him a soft, sad smile. "I don't know if you remember me, but I was in your class...about twelve years ago. My name is Deanna Winchester."

The old man's eyes lit up. "Deanna! Of course I remember you. You wrote me that essay about what you believe in. That you believe in ghosts and demons and all that."

"Yeah. I remember I got an A for it too." she said with a grin.

Tim shrugged. "It was original. And I was feeling generous after reading Olivia's plot to take over the world in a vegan movement and to release all the animals in captivity."

"You know she's working for PETA now?" Deanna said, with a cocked eyebrow and a wry smile.

"God help us." Tim said, throwing his arms up in the air. He then looked at her, and grinned, eyes twinkling. "But I remember that was part of your essay. You don't believe in God."

Deanna tried to smile at him, and failed, plopping down in a nearby chair and folding her hands in front of her. She sighed, and started picking at her cuticles. Tim was silent, waiting patiently while she tried to find her words.

"I don't know what I believe in anymore." she finally whispered, still staring at her nails...and at the blood and dirt that refused to come out from under them, no matter what she did.

Her old teacher was silent for a while, and then finally spoke. "In 1983, I was living next door to this really nice family. Couple of kids in their early twenties. They had twins, a boy and a girl who were four years old, and a six month old baby boy. One day in...early November I think, a fire got started. The husband and the two boys got out, but the girl of the twins and the mother were killed. I sat outside with that young man, watching him cling to those two little boys like they were his last lifeline. He told me the same thing you just did."

Deanna stared at him in shock. Eventually she found her voice again, wincing slightly at the cracked tone. "What did you tell him?"

Tim smiled softly at her. "I told him, everyone has something to believe in. Sometimes it's even right in front of our noses. But there is always something worth fighting for. He just looked down at his two boys, and nodded. That was the last time I ever saw him again."

Deanna stared at him for a long moment, before quirking her mouth in something that, once upon a time, might have even resembled a smile. "You knew who I was the second I walked through your door sophomore year, didn't you?"

Tim just gave her a knowing grin. "I don't know what you're talking about. That was just a story about a neighbor I once had. I don't know whatever happened to him. It's just a story, Deanna."

"Uh huh." Deanna said, skeptically. But she stood up and shook his hand, before turning and walking out the door.

That was the last time Tim Sowles ever saw Deanna Winchester again.

But Monday morning, he wasn't surprised to find the essay, written with care and careful cursive, sitting in the middle of his desk, in his locked classroom.

_-Mr. Sowles. _

_Once upon a time, there was a man and woman, who fell in love and started out in the world together. They're names were John and Mary Winchester. _

_John and Mary had three kids. Two twins, Dean and Deanna, and a little boy named Sam. They loved their children more than the whole world. _

_One day, a demon came. And I mean that in every literal since of the word. His name was Azazel. See, Mary Winchester made a deal with him, that her youngest child would be given to him when he felt the time was right, in order to save her husband. She didn't know she was setting of a chain reaction that would eventually bring on the apocalypse. The demon came on the night of Sam's six month birthday. And I know it's gross, but he fed Sam some of his blood, awakening psychic powers in him that wouldn't start manifesting until he was 23. _

_Mary tried to stop him. _

_For her efforts, she got pinned to a ceiling and burned alive for her troubles, and her daughter, Deanna was tossed into the neighbor's back yard. _

_But you already knew that. _

_So here's what happened next:  
_

_John decided that he was going to avenge his wife's death, and spent then next twenty years tracking down the demon that had killed her, raising his sons to be warriors in his fight, and leaving his daughter to be raised by strangers. He was eventually killed saving his oldest son's life, so that he could be there for his twin and younger brother. _

_Dean, Deanna and Sam kept hunting the demon, now adding Sam's late girlfriend and their dead father to the list of people who needed avenging. Sam and Deanna were killed along the way, and following in the tradition of the Winchesters before him, Dean made a deal to save his siblings, sacrificing his soul to Hell in the process. _

_Since this isn't really a happy story, I bet you can tell what happens next. Yep. Dean was killed. Ripped apart actually by Hell Hounds who drug his soul to Hell. Again, I'm being literal. And because Hell is such a fun place, and time works differently there, even though Deanna and Sam only lost him for four months, Dean was there, being tortured for forty years. For ten of those years, he was forced to hurt other souls, in order to avoid being hurt himself. _

_Fun, right? _

_And because the Winchesters didn't have enough crap piled on their plate, due to some obscure prophecy decreeing the fate of the universe, when Dean hurt that first soul, he opened the first of the sixty-six seals...basically locks that keep the devil in his cage in the seventh circle of Hell. _

_He didn't know, because the arch angels who could have stopped it, decided to let him do it anyway, and bring on the apocalypse. _

_Guess what happens next. _

_To make an already long story short, Sam ended up becoming possessed by Lucifer, and the kid's half brother Adam ended up being possessed by Michael. Yeah. The arch angel. They were going to have a knock down, drag out fight, but only got to the witty banter part before Dean and Deanna, in their stupidity showed up at the battlefield. _

_Deanna was killed...**again.** Dean had the crap beat out of him...**again.** And just before Lucifer deep-fried the planet, Sam took back control and jumped into Hell, taking Michael with him, ending the apocalypse once and for all. _

_And everyone lived happily ever after. _

_You know, I never really believed the happily ever after. And after all the crap I've seen, I know now that it's not true. _

_Because if happily ever after existed, I would have all three of my brothers standing next to me. _

_But I've never gotten what I wanted. _

_Twelve years ago, you asked me what I believed in. I gave you an interesting answer. Now, re-reading it, I can see how naive I was. _

_You told my father there was always something to believe in; always something to fight for. _

_I think, now, I've finally figured it out. So I feel like I have to add corrections. _

_1. I have still seen no evidence of Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, Father Time, Jack Frost, Big Foot, The Loch Ness Monster, or unicorns. That being said, vampires are totally real, leprechauns are gross, fairies are **not** cute and cuddly relations of Tinker Bell, Cupid is a large, naked man who likes...**loves** to hug people, and angels do exist. With the exception of one, they're all a great big pile of dicks. _

_2. I still don't believe in God, but I do believe he exists. I've just learned you can't put your faith in an absent father who doesn't care what his children do and let them set off events that will annihilate the planet. He's a dick too, for the record. And the devil? Yeah, I met him. Again, don't believe, but know he's real. He's a child having a temper tantrum because daddy grounded him. And fate and destiny can just go screw themselves. _

_Miracles though? Hm...the verdict's still out on that._

_3. I still believe in family. But I know now that sometimes belief isn't always enough to get you through. I know that family is going to hurt you, kick you when you're down, but in the end, they'll help you get back up and stand shoulder to shoulder with you against all the evil of the world. I did get to meet my family. And even thought I'm down to one broken, older brother, I'm honored to have known my little brothers for as long as I did. _

_4. Twelve years ago I told you love could conquer all. A month ago, my older brother sarcastically told my youngest brother that we were gonna save the world with the power of love. He was being sarcastic. But do you know what allowed Sam to take back control from Lucifer, and kept him from killing Dean? Love. I firmly believe that if love can give an average man the strength to defeat the greatest fallen angel of all time, then it really can do anything. _

_Except apparently bring back my little brothers. But I guess everything has a limit. _

_5. I still believe people are crazy. And that's all I have to add to that. _

_6. I still believe in myself...most days. But I know I did make a difference. And like I said, most people don't know and wouldn't care even if they did. In fact, they'd lock me up for all the crazy things I could tell them. But I know that I saved a whole lot of people. I helped defeat demons, monsters, ghosts and other things that set out to destroy families and people just like me and my family. My brothers and I kept a whole lot of people from the pain and suffering that we went through. _

_Sometimes, even at the cost of our own happiness. _

_7. And I still believe you are the best teacher ever. And I can still say that, 'cause I'm not getting graded for this. _

_Thank you for everything, Mr. Sowles. You've helped me out more than you can ever know. _

_-Deanna Winchester  
_


	3. Update!

Hi guys...

So, I've recently had an issue with a person in my real life encroaching on my life online. Since he is NOT welcome in my real life, he is most certainly not welcome here. However, due to lying to and manipulating a family member during the craziness that has become my life, he has invaded my space. To be fair, the certain family member thought he was helping. He just didn't realize he wasn't helping me. Anyway, I have been forced to relocate my stories and other creations. I'm changing my pen name, and removing all my stories.

I'm sorry for those of you who were supporting me.

For those of you who left a review or added me to your story alert or favorites or anything like that, I am going to send you an e-mail with my new pen name and e-mail. In one week I will shut this portion down for good and will no longer be posting on this particular profile.

I've started a profile over on livejournal, and have that link posted on my new profile.

Again, I apologize. I hope you all can learn from my mistakes and not put personal or true information out on the internet.

You never know who might be looking to cause trouble.

Thank you again for your patience and understanding. I hope to see all of you soon in my new home.

-Merri.

I think I have fixed it so that certain person cannot get on again, but if you get e-mails or chapters from me that are rude, inconciderate, crude, crass or anything like that, I assure you it is not me, and I am working to rectify the situation as soon as possible.


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